ADAM SANDLER CRITERION COLLECTION

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Not to look like I’m promoting a rival blog server (Not like I have an obedience contract with WordPress), but every once in a while at work, especially when I get stupendously bored, I check out the new fake cover art posted on a blog called Fake Criterion (http://fakecriterions.tumblr.com/).

It’s basically a bunch of Criterion collection fans who are also Photoshop enthusiasts creating their own minimalist Criterion DVD or Blu-Ray cover art for films they either wish to see on Criterion, or films that are so non-Criterion that it looks funny to see them get the art-house treatment.

Some of the films on there I would really love to see, like John Frankenheimer’s deeply under appreciated Seconds. But some of the more goofy ones hopefully will only stay in our imagination, like Cool as Ice, or Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Secret of The Ooze, both of which could easily support expansive commentary tracks by Vanilla Ice. His going rate for appearances these days is probably $20 and a twinkie.

One thing I noticed on the website is their lack of Adam Sandler covers. Now I don’t even know how to use Photoshop, so I can’t come up with sweet Criterion artwork for The Wedding Singer, or The Waterboy, but I can list what I imagine the release specifications or the special features will be.

So without much ado, here’s the Adam Sandler Criterion Collection in my head:

 

JACK AND JILL (2011) by Dennis Dugan:

Cover Artwork:

A minimalist watercolor painting of a playing card, with Jill as the queen on the top half sporting a shit-eating grin, and Jack as the king on the bottom half, pouting in a comedic way.

Special Features:

– A 50-minute introduction to the film with Al Pacino personally apologizing for his involvement with Jack and Jill.

– Jack and Jill in character: An interview with Jack and Jill with a horrible split screen effect in the middle of the screen.

– Film Historian Robert Osbourne reads co-screenwriter Steve Koren’s lengthy suicide letter.

– Feature commentary from David Cronenberg detailing the similarities between Jack and Jill and Dead Ringers.

 

JUST GO WITH IT (2011) by Dennis Dugan:

Cover Art:

A Wes Anderson inspired minimalist, awkwardly framed photo of a wedding ring and Brooklyn Decker’s bikini.

Special Features:

– Cactus Flower, the original comedy classic starring Walter Matthau and Goldie Hawn, preceded by a video of the producers of the film sobbing into the camera while they tell the tale of how their entire family were kidnapped by a pack of Manson-worshiping werewolves and the only way to save them was to sell the remake rights to Adam Sandler.

– A hilarious audio excerpt from a 55-minute voice mail where Nicole Kidman fires her agent.

– A lengthy examination by world renowned psychiatrist Prof. Dr. Robert Hoffendorff regarding psychotic behavior and irrational decisions made even years after by people who got dumped by a major movie star.

– A feature-length commentary by director David Cronenberg, talking about the time he was struggling to make a cockroach puppet hump Judy Davis, half-watching Just Go With It while playing Tetris on his iPhone.

 

I NOW PRONOUNCE YOU CHUCK AND LARRY (2007) by Dennis Dugan:

Cover Art:

The rainbow flag with two NYC fire fighter helmets resting on top of it on the upper-left corner.

Special Features:

– The 1984 Oscar-winning documentary The Times of Harvey Milk as a compendium to this important film about LGBT rights.

– The laugh track: A completely silent audio track full of nothing but loud tape hiss, which actually is the result of an attempt to record the laughter of real-life LGBT couples as they watch the film.

– The gay pun counter: A counter at the corner of the screen counting each gay pun. Since the DVD and Blu-Ray encoding software only allowed 3-digits, the counter stops at 999 halfway through the film.

– Feature Commentary by director David Cronenberg explaining the many differences between this film and M. Butterfly while he scrapes off his toe cheese.

 

CLICK (2006) by Frank Coraci:

Cover Art:

A vintage photo of a 1984 model Blaupunkt TV remote control.

Special Features:

– Kate Beckinsale’s video tour of the luxury yacht she bought with the check she cashed from the movie.

– Footage from a security camera during lunch with Sean Astin trying to convince everyone he used to be Samwise Gamgee from The Lord of The Rings trilogy.

– An excerpt from an interview with directors Dennis Dugan and Frank Coraci which turned into a violent fistfight after both directors could not agree on which one makes the worst Adam Sandler movie, making the winner the biggest hack in Hollywood next to Brett Ratner and Michael Bay.

– Picture-in-picture video of David Cronenberg watching his own masterpiece about television and the media, Videodrome.

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